Hi friends,
It’s Friday and I have thoughts.
I’ve been thinking about anxiety. Someone said recently (I believe it was Sam Slupski, @theyaresam) that they feel like they rely on their anxiety and OCD to keep them safe, but they are learning that, in reality, you are safe without it.
I’ve been thinking about that a lot as I prepare to go on a big road trip to Big Bend. Long road trips make me anxious as hell. What if my car breaks down in the middle of nowhere? What if I don’t plan gas well and get stranded? I have had the privilege of flying for most of my travel, and while I’ve been on many road trips, I’ve never been on one while I’ve been a driver and driving for more than 5 hours in a day. We had a really long driving day on our Utah trip in 2020 that took twice as long as we thought and I had an ongoing anxiety attack for the last two hours (for a number of reasons, but primarily the drive).
Doing research and meticulously planning is really helpful for my anxiety, it makes me feel prepared for more situations and more able to be spontaneous, ironically. But right now, I am sitting here thinking about how no matter how much I plan, I will probably be okay. Even if my car breaks down. Even if I end up stranded. Even if we can’t get to our destination or we get in a wreck, I will probably be okay. My anxiety does not shield me from distress.
I have had trips go terribly before, and here I am, still alive. I have been under way more stress than normal lately, and here I am, still alive. I know that I can do this. I know that it will be okay. I wish I could convince my anxiety of that too.
So, here’s to being anxious and prepared, but okay. Here’s to still being alive, no matter what comes my way.
I’ve been obsessed with the band half•alive’s new album lately. So here’s an appropriate song choice for today from their first album.
Things I have been learning from:
I recently ordered The Intersectional Environmentalist and The Black Experience in Design and I am very eager to read both. What fantastic books from experts in their fields. I’ll share more when I’ve read them.
My friend Isabelle started a podcast called In The Shade. It’s a podcast by two women of color that brings awareness to unsolved cases, missing persons, and stories where the conclusion still seems a little suspicious - all about victims of color.
I mentioned Sam Slupski earlier, and I would be remiss if I didn’t mention their fantastic Substack newsletter, which I have learned so much from:
That’s all for now.
Talk soon,
Steph